Masscrastination

There are many defining days in a man’s life: his inaugural fantasy football draft, hearing ‘Hit ‘Em Up” for the first time, etc. Recently I experienced another significant situation…an excruciating process of nostalgic decision-making. A day that will live in infamy. OK, that might be a bit strong. Regardless, I am talking about throwing out my old t-shirts.

The past three months of my life have been eye opening to say the least. College ended abruptly and suddenly I was faced with the reality that my calendar was empty for the rest of my life. My new catchphrase became “I’m available” –  hilarious to those around me while secretly soul crushing inside.

Moving out of my college apartment, I began to realize that everything that my girlfriend and mother had been telling me was true: I have too many t-shirts. Over 100 to be exact.

No, seriously. Over 100. I even had a stack of 50 in my closet that I never planned on wearing again but couldn’t bear to throw out.

Upon moving home after graduation I realized it was time to face the music. I had to clean out my closet. It was time to say goodbye.

My process was surgical. Make a pile of keepers, a pile of Salvation Army donations, and a pile of too close to calls. To go through the obvious keepers and donations would be uneventful because there were no real internal debates. I just knew. The “too close to calls” were a different story. It was the SAT’s of t-shirt cleansing.

The following are 10 samples of my hardest decisions throughout the process.

Disclaimer: No T-shirts were hurt in the making of this post.

#1.) Dominican Republic World Baseball Classic

Background

Picked up this guy at an Olympia Sports a few months before the inaugural WBC. The impulsive buy of impulsive buys. I wore this 6-7 times and every time someone asked me “You went to the Dominican Republic? That’s so cool.” The clarification of the shirt’s actual meaning became so mundane that I eventually would answer, “Yeah, Spring Break ’05. Crazy.”

Athlete Equivalent:

Terry Glenn. Promising, but eventually not worth the trouble. Stuck around a little longer than probably should have.

Verdict:

Gone. Toast. Not a tear shed. Wish I could put a GPS on these things to see who picks them up at the Salvation Army. I’m thinking some 46-year-old guy from Chelsea grabs this one. One of those guys who plays in an rec-soccer league on Sundays. Anywho, Godspeed WBC shirt. I feel like I barely knew you.

#2). Acid Trip 3-D Glasses Monkey

Background:

Saw this near the cash register at Bob’s a few years back. Can’t remember the exact price, but it was cheap enough to justify. No idea what it’s about, or who designed it but I would imagine a mixture of cocaine and Oxy Clean was involved (AKA The Billy Mays). Became a bench player that only appeared at 80’s parties in college. At one of these parties I literally bumped into a kid from another school wearing the same thing. Our eyes met and just hugged each other. It was kind of like when two people driving Wranglers wave to each other.

Athlete Equivalent:

Willy Mo Pena. Kept on bench until a homerun was needed. Never an everyday player. Not a lot of respect given, but you would never throw a fastball down the plate, you know?

Verdict:

Kept it. You don’t just throw out a teal t-shirt with a monkey wearing 3-D glasses being smothered by neon designs. This thing wouldn’t even see the Salvation Army racks. The collection guy would probably swipe it for himself.

#3.) Red Sox Tie-Die Woodstock Edition

Background:

In March of 2005 my mom was going down to Ft. Myers to visit my grandparents. Seeing an opportunity, I found 4 spring training tickets for a Sox game. I was going to fly down on a Friday and come back on that Sunday, missing a day of school. Coincidentally, the World Series Trophy was visiting my high school that Friday, but I justified missing it because I would be in 75 degree weather at a Sox game while my friends were taking pictures with a piece of metal looking out at snow banks. My flight was going to leave at 6am Friday morning, and when my dad woke me up at noon that Friday I already knew what happened. 15 inches of a freak snowstorm had caused my flight to get cancelled, and my dad let me sleep in. I missed spring training and the trophy in one fell swoop. My mom felt bad and brought me back this shirt and a hat. The hat probably would have been enough.

Athlete Equivalent:

Jason Varitek, 2006 to present.

Verdict:

Sayonara. The Epicac of t-shirts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they issue this with each Red Sox Nation card. A nice gesture on my mom’s part, but just a disaster of a t-shirt.

#4.) Go Canes! U of Miami Shirt

Background:

Got this while visiting my friend Andy at “The U” this past October. On the way into the stadium some lady was selling these for $2 a piece. No brainer. Coming from a school that didn’t have a football team and drew 75 people for basketball games, I decided to pretend I went to Miami for the day. The perfect disguise, minus my pasty white NH tan.

Athlete Equivalent:

P.J. Brown. Cheap, and came through when I needed it to.

Verdict:

Considering its price, it would be a shame to toss away.

#5.) New Hampshire Hot Air Balloon (Sleeve monster Modified)

Background:

Saw this at Wal-Mart in West Lebanon, NH. $1. The irony got me. Show me a hot-air balloon in NH and I will show you a Jason Varitek 2-out RBI.

Athlete Equivalent:

Scott Pollard. Ugly, puzzling, and cheap for a reason.

Verdict:

Who am I kidding? I can’t get rid of this. Deep down in places I don’t like to talk about, I need this shirt. Actually, I’ll put it on right now. I might even dub it the official t-shirt of Masscrastination.

#6.) Patriots 19-0 SB Champs Locker Room T-Shirt (3^rd World Country Edition)

Background:

What did you say? I missed the last minute of the Super Bowl, my cable went out. Ignorance is bliss.

Found this on e-bay. Normally the NFL sends the losing teams’ shirts to decimated 3^rd world countries, but not this baby. My greatest fear is that people think I’m a Giants fan and am making fun of the Pats when in reality I am just using the “nope, didn’t happen” excuse. You know, pretending that our coaches didn’t go away from the same game plan that made them the greatest offense in NFL history for 18 weeks. (Rocking back and forth, shaking, cold sweats)

Athlete Equivalent:

Rodger Clemens. Stubborn Denial. Nope.

Verdict:

Fuck yeah I’m keeping this. A perfect season doesn’t come around every day you know??????

P.S. If you don’t think I am giving this to my son and telling him about the 2007 perfect season you’re kidding yourself. In an unrelated story, he will not be allowed on the Internet.

#7. 2009 NCAA March Madness Pitt/Nova Boston Shirt

Background:

First off, anyone who has ever met me knows that I am the biggest March Madness fan in the world. In high school I ran a high stakes pool for four years that even our vice-principal knew about. My GPA would drop a whole point in March just because I would be correcting brackets in class every day. For years I have been waiting for Boston to host a meaningful tournament game, and finally I got my wish. Unfortunately it fell on the same day as my girlfriends 21^st birthday family dinner. Breaking up with her wasn’t really an option, so FML. To make matters worse, I had Nova in the Final Four in my pool. If you remember the game correctly, and I am sure you do, Scotty Reynolds scored a game winning layup with time expiring for the upset. A top 5 March Madness game of all time. The only way I could get updates was refreshing the ESPN score page on my iPhone. My girlfriend family must have thought I was going through meth withdrawals. I was ghostly white, sweating, and shaking.

Anyway my dad brought this home for me. Starting to see a trend with my missing events and getting pity shirts?

Athlete Equivalent:

Len Bias. Heard it was good, but never saw it for myself.

Verdict:

I guess I have to marry my girlfriend so I can have a Robin Williams missing Game 6 “had to see about a girl” story. Anyway, get this shirt out of my life. I don’t need any ghosts in my closet.

#8.) Starbury T-shirt

Background:

Picked it up at Steve and Barry’s in the mall for $3.99.

Athlete Equivalent:

Ummm, Stephon Marbury? Looks good for the price, but throw it away after the season.

Verdict: Gone like his jump shot. Also throwing out the $9.99 Starbury USA shoes. What was I thinking?

#9.) Kanye West Glow In The Dark Tour Shirt

Background:

What do you get when you drink too much before a Kanye West concert? A $35 useless T-Shirt!

Athlete Equivalent:

Brian Scalabrine. The wrong race for the circumstances, extremely overpriced, dominant color: Red.

Verdict:

$35? Who’s the gold digger now, Kanye? Get it out of my sight.

#10.) Craig Hansen #56 Red Sox T-Shirt

Background:

100% completely indefensible. What the fuck was I thinking? Craig Hansen? I feel like Scott Boras owes me money for this. Seriously? What the fuck. Some kid in India is eating his own toenails for protein and I dropped $15.99 on a Craig Hansen shirt?  Craig Hansen. Seriously. Craig Hansen. C-R-A-I-G  H-A-N-S-E-N. Daniel Bard’s gay-half brother. Craig Hansen. Talk about over thinking things. Manny, nah. Ortiz, nope. Oh here is what I have been looking for, a fucking Craig Hansen shirt. What was I expecting, to open my closet once a week and say, “oh, today seems like the day that I want to display the name and number of a reliable set up pitcher on my fucking back”. You know how I know I’m gay? I have a Craig Hansen shirt. Seriously, if I ran for president I would expect my opponent to use this against me as slander. This is my Chappaquiddick. The Pearl Harbor of my shirt collection. A Craig Hansen shirt can only be killed by silver bullets. If I walked into church wearing this I would burst into flames. Wow. Craig Hansen. Wow.

Athlete Equivalent:

Saying Craig Hansen here would be insulting to even Craig Hansen. There is no equivalent. Let’s just sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened. Gross. I need a shower.

Verdict:

Honestly, I would feel bad giving this to a Salvation Army. I wouldn’t put anyone through the shame I feel right now. This is my Scarlet Letter. I should be required to wear this in public and have the townspeople throw rocks in my general direction. I should go door to door in my neighborhood and tell people that, by law, I am required to inform them that I am a Craig Hansen T-Shirt owner. When I left the Bob’s store I bought it at, Chris Hansen and the “To Catch A Predator” camera crew surrounded my car asking me “What’s in the yellow bag?” and read me a transcript of my thought process while deciding to buy it. D.A.R.E. officers have asked me to travel to local middle schools to speak about my experiences buying Craig Hansen shirts and how I rehabilitated myself.

Having said that, I can’t throw it out. I must keep it as a constant reminder of my mistakes so that it will never happen again. I apologize to my friends and family and may god have mercy on my soul.

-Casey