Affliction T-Shirt of the Day
August 17, 2009
Because nothing says “I love Jesus and I’ll kick your ass” quite like a $49 epilepsy-inducing t-shirt with eagle/skeleton-hybrids arguing over a cross.
(Tattoos not included)
Due to overwhelming interest…
August 12, 2009
You. Are. Welcome.
-Casey
Cleaning Out My Closet: A T-Shirt Manifesto
August 11, 2009
There are many defining days in a man’s life: his inaugural fantasy football draft, hearing ‘Hit ‘Em Up” for the first time, etc. Recently I experienced another significant situation…an excruciating process of nostalgic decision-making. A day that will live in infamy. OK, that might be a bit strong. Regardless, I am talking about throwing out my old t-shirts.
The past three months of my life have been eye opening to say the least. College ended abruptly and suddenly I was faced with the reality that my calendar was empty for the rest of my life. My new catchphrase became “I’m available” – hilarious to those around me while secretly soul crushing inside.
Moving out of my college apartment, I began to realize that everything that my girlfriend and mother had been telling me was true: I have too many t-shirts. Over 100 to be exact.
No, seriously. Over 100. I even had a stack of 50 in my closet that I never planned on wearing again but couldn’t bear to throw out.
Upon moving home after graduation I realized it was time to face the music. I had to clean out my closet. It was time to say goodbye.
My process was surgical. Make a pile of keepers, a pile of Salvation Army donations, and a pile of too close to calls. To go through the obvious keepers and donations would be uneventful because there were no real internal debates. I just knew. The “too close to calls” were a different story. It was the SAT’s of t-shirt cleansing.
The following are 10 samples of my hardest decisions throughout the process.
Disclaimer: No T-shirts were hurt in the making of this post.
#1.) Dominican Republic World Baseball Classic
Background
Picked up this guy at an Olympia Sports a few months before the inaugural WBC. The impulsive buy of impulsive buys. I wore this 6-7 times and every time someone asked me “You went to the Dominican Republic? That’s so cool.” The clarification of the shirt’s actual meaning became so mundane that I eventually would answer, “Yeah, Spring Break ’05. Crazy.”
Athlete Equivalent:
Terry Glenn. Promising, but eventually not worth the trouble. Stuck around a little longer than probably should have.
Verdict:
Gone. Toast. Not a tear shed. Wish I could put a GPS on these things to see who picks them up at the Salvation Army. I’m thinking some 46-year-old guy from Chelsea grabs this one. One of those guys who plays in an rec-soccer league on Sundays. Anywho, Godspeed WBC shirt. I feel like I barely knew you.
#2). Acid Trip 3-D Glasses Monkey
Background:
Saw this near the cash register at Bob’s a few years back. Can’t remember the exact price, but it was cheap enough to justify. No idea what it’s about, or who designed it but I would imagine a mixture of cocaine and Oxy Clean was involved (AKA The Billy Mays). Became a bench player that only appeared at 80’s parties in college. At one of these parties I literally bumped into a kid from another school wearing the same thing. Our eyes met and just hugged each other. It was kind of like when two people driving Wranglers wave to each other.
Athlete Equivalent:
Willy Mo Pena. Kept on bench until a homerun was needed. Never an everyday player. Not a lot of respect given, but you would never throw a fastball down the plate, you know?
Verdict:
Kept it. You don’t just throw out a teal t-shirt with a monkey wearing 3-D glasses being smothered by neon designs. This thing wouldn’t even see the Salvation Army racks. The collection guy would probably swipe it for himself.
#3.) Red Sox Tie-Die Woodstock Edition
Background:
In March of 2005 my mom was going down to Ft. Myers to visit my grandparents. Seeing an opportunity, I found 4 spring training tickets for a Sox game. I was going to fly down on a Friday and come back on that Sunday, missing a day of school. Coincidentally, the World Series Trophy was visiting my high school that Friday, but I justified missing it because I would be in 75 degree weather at a Sox game while my friends were taking pictures with a piece of metal looking out at snow banks. My flight was going to leave at 6am Friday morning, and when my dad woke me up at noon that Friday I already knew what happened. 15 inches of a freak snowstorm had caused my flight to get cancelled, and my dad let me sleep in. I missed spring training and the trophy in one fell swoop. My mom felt bad and brought me back this shirt and a hat. The hat probably would have been enough.
Athlete Equivalent:
Jason Varitek, 2006 to present.
Verdict:
Sayonara. The Epicac of t-shirts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they issue this with each Red Sox Nation card. A nice gesture on my mom’s part, but just a disaster of a t-shirt.
#4.) Go Canes! U of Miami Shirt
Background:
Got this while visiting my friend Andy at “The U” this past October. On the way into the stadium some lady was selling these for $2 a piece. No brainer. Coming from a school that didn’t have a football team and drew 75 people for basketball games, I decided to pretend I went to Miami for the day. The perfect disguise, minus my pasty white NH tan.
Athlete Equivalent:
P.J. Brown. Cheap, and came through when I needed it to.
Verdict:
Considering its price, it would be a shame to toss away.
#5.) New Hampshire Hot Air Balloon (Sleeve monster Modified)
Background:
Saw this at Wal-Mart in West Lebanon, NH. $1. The irony got me. Show me a hot-air balloon in NH and I will show you a Jason Varitek 2-out RBI.
Athlete Equivalent:
Scott Pollard. Ugly, puzzling, and cheap for a reason.
Verdict:
Who am I kidding? I can’t get rid of this. Deep down in places I don’t like to talk about, I need this shirt. Actually, I’ll put it on right now. I might even dub it the official t-shirt of Masscrastination.
#6.) Patriots 19-0 SB Champs Locker Room T-Shirt (3rd World Country Edition)
Background:
What did you say? I missed the last minute of the Super Bowl, my cable went out. Ignorance is bliss.
Found this on e-bay. Normally the NFL sends the losing teams’ shirts to decimated 3rd world countries, but not this baby. My greatest fear is that people think I’m a Giants fan and am making fun of the Pats when in reality I am just using the “nope, didn’t happen” excuse. You know, pretending that our coaches didn’t go away from the same game plan that made them the greatest offense in NFL history for 18 weeks. (Rocking back and forth, shaking, cold sweats)
Athlete Equivalent:
Rodger Clemens. Stubborn Denial. Nope.
Verdict:
Fuck yeah I’m keeping this. A perfect season doesn’t come around every day you know??????
P.S. If you don’t think I am giving this to my son and telling him about the 2007 perfect season you’re kidding yourself. In an unrelated story, he will not be allowed on the Internet.
#7. 2009 NCAA March Madness Pitt/Nova Boston Shirt
Background:
First off, anyone who has ever met me knows that I am the biggest March Madness fan in the world. In high school I ran a high stakes pool for four years that even our vice-principal knew about. My GPA would drop a whole point in March just because I would be correcting brackets in class every day. For years I have been waiting for Boston to host a meaningful tournament game, and finally I got my wish. Unfortunately it fell on the same day as my girlfriends 21st birthday family dinner. Breaking up with her wasn’t really an option, so FML. To make matters worse, I had Nova in the Final Four in my pool. If you remember the game correctly, and I am sure you do, Scotty Reynolds scored a game winning layup with time expiring for the upset. A top 5 March Madness game of all time. The only way I could get updates was refreshing the ESPN score page on my iPhone. My girlfriend family must have thought I was going through meth withdrawals. I was ghostly white, sweating, and shaking.
Anyway my dad brought this home for me. Starting to see a trend with my missing events and getting pity shirts?
Athlete Equivalent:
Len Bias. Heard it was good, but never saw it for myself.
Verdict:
I guess I have to marry my girlfriend so I can have a Robin Williams missing Game 6 “had to see about a girl” story. Anyway, get this shirt out of my life. I don’t need any ghosts in my closet.
#8.) Starbury T-shirt
Background:
Picked it up at Steve and Barry’s in the mall for $3.99.
Athlete Equivalent:
Ummm, Stephon Marbury? Looks good for the price, but throw it away after the season.
Verdict: Gone like his jump shot. Also throwing out the $9.99 Starbury USA shoes. What was I thinking?
#9.) Kanye West Glow In The Dark Tour Shirt
Background:
What do you get when you drink too much before a Kanye West concert? A $35 useless T-Shirt!
Athlete Equivalent:
Brian Scalabrine. The wrong race for the circumstances, extremely overpriced, dominant color: Red.
Verdict:
$35? Who’s the gold digger now, Kanye? Get it out of my sight.
#10.) Craig Hansen #56 Red Sox T-Shirt
Background:
100% completely indefensible. What the fuck was I thinking? Craig Hansen? I feel like Scott Boras owes me money for this. Seriously? What the fuck. Some kid in India is eating his own toenails for protein and I dropped $15.99 on a Craig Hansen shirt? Craig Hansen. Seriously. Craig Hansen. C-R-A-I-G H-A-N-S-E-N. Daniel Bard’s gay-half brother. Craig Hansen. Talk about over thinking things. Manny, nah. Ortiz, nope. Oh here is what I have been looking for, a fucking Craig Hansen shirt. What was I expecting, to open my closet once a week and say, “oh, today seems like the day that I want to display the name and number of a reliable set up pitcher on my fucking back”. You know how I know I’m gay? I have a Craig Hansen shirt. Seriously, if I ran for president I would expect my opponent to use this against me as slander. This is my Chappaquiddick. The Pearl Harbor of my shirt collection. A Craig Hansen shirt can only be killed by silver bullets. If I walked into church wearing this I would burst into flames. Wow. Craig Hansen. Wow.
Athlete Equivalent:
Saying Craig Hansen here would be insulting to even Craig Hansen. There is no equivalent. Let’s just sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened. Gross. I need a shower.
Verdict:
Honestly, I would feel bad giving this to a Salvation Army. I wouldn’t put anyone through the shame I feel right now. This is my Scarlet Letter. I should be required to wear this in public and have the townspeople throw rocks in my general direction. I should go door to door in my neighborhood and tell people that, by law, I am required to inform them that I am a Craig Hansen T-Shirt owner. When I left the Bob’s store I bought it at, Chris Hansen and the “To Catch A Predator” camera crew surrounded my car asking me “What’s in the yellow bag?” and read me a transcript of my thought process while deciding to buy it. D.A.R.E. officers have asked me to travel to local middle schools to speak about my experiences buying Craig Hansen shirts and how I rehabilitated myself.
Having said that, I can’t throw it out. I must keep it as a constant reminder of my mistakes so that it will never happen again. I apologize to my friends and family and may god have mercy on my soul.
-Casey
The Girls of Summer
August 10, 2009
Let me start off by saying that I started writing this right after Arod’s homerun in the 7th last night that gave the Yankee’s a 1-0 lead. “The Girls of Summer” seemed like an appropriate title. Then, after an 8th inning Victor Martinez big fly, I changed the title to “The Man Who Saved New England”, which was a gush piece about the newly acquired 1B/C.
To make a long story short, we’re back to “The Girls of Summer”.
I guess that’s just how the season has been going.
The 2009 campaign can’t even be described as a rollercoaster ride. A rollercoaster has its extreme highs and lows, and I can’t remember any high-high enough in the season to justify it. It has been more like a carousel ride: around, and around, and around. In the end, you wonder what the hell you just wasted minutes of your life on.
We have seen enough winning in this town in the past decade to be qualified to make an assessment on what teams are championship-worthy. SPOILER ALERT: This team, as it stands today, is not.
I remember Todd Walker’s 3-run, game tying home run with two outs and a full count in the 9th against Baltimore in 2003. Then Ortiz came up in the 10th and sent everyone home. That team didn’t win the World Series, but they very well could have had Aaron Boone not ended their season prematurely.
I remember the 2004 Bill Mueller’s walk off home run courtesy of Mo Rivera on the same day that the late Jason Variety punched Alex Rodriguez in the face. This was just one of the memorable comeback wins for the eventual champs.
I remember a specific David Ortiz walk-off home run against the Phillies in 2006 that wasn’t even excited as it was expected. That team didn’t go all the way, but they were not more than a piece away.
I remember the 2007 Championship season when Ortiz crushed another walk-off against Tampa Bay with two outs in the 9th.
The point is, when you are a championship team, you need a little destiny to help you along the way. It doesn’t have to be every night, it doesn’t even have to be more than once. You just need one of those quirky, rabbit out of the hat, ‘how did they pull out that game’ wins. This team doesn’t have it. Save for a Nick Green embarrassing walk off that would have won the “Worst Win of the Year” award if not for Luis Castillo’s dropped popup in the Bronx. The 2009 Red Sox have yet to produce a memorable victory. In fact, the most memorable part of this season was Nomar’s return. Yikes.
This team is the antithesis of what has made the Red Sox the Red Sox for the past seven seasons. The only evidence you needed of this was seeing the Yankee’s bench last night. They were loose, smiling, and it reflected on the field. Actually, they were one Kevin Millar and 25 shots of JD away from resembling the 2004 Sox.
I don’t know how this one plays out, but I will say this much: something has to change. This team needs a shake up, and that doesn’t necessarily mean a roster move. A bench-clearing brawl, a 5-run 9th inning comeback, someone taking Jason Varitek in a back ally and going all “Old Yeller” on him. Anything. Before it is too late.
Some Quick Hitters From This Weekends Sweep
Nick Swisher
I counted four times this series where he thought he had drawn a walk only to be called back to the plate by the umpire. At what point do you realize that’s not a good move? Did he injure his brain during one of those 40,000 unnecessary diving catches in right field?
Daniel Bard
Honestly, I don’t mind Bard’s meltdown last night. Trial by fire, I guess. At some point he has to blow a game and learn how to move on from it. You don’t quite get that kick in the guy experience like you do when you blow a game in Yankee stadium. He is either going to rebound for the better, or fade away like Craig Hansen. Either way, we will get a good judge of character from last night.
No Beef?
I found it unfathomable that Red sox didn’t hit someone in this series (besides Ramon Ramirez late in Saturdays game that wasn’t intentional). If I was Bard after the back-to-back homeruns last night, Arod was getting hit harder than a Patrick Kane cab driver. At some point you have to save face. I was surprised no one wanted to step up.
Don’t Blame It On The Ram
People like to point to the loss of Manny Ramirez as the reason for the Sox lack of offensive production this season. In reality, the Red Sox lost Manny AND Ortiz this season. Honestly, how can you produce with those two guys out of your lineup? Ortiz is putting up Kevin Millar numbers this season minus the foul home runs. If Ortiz was the Ortiz of old this season, the Red Sox would not be struggling like this.
A Missed Opportunity
If I was Victor Martinez, I would have given the New York faithful a curtain call after that home run in the 8th last night. How cool would that have been? Sarcastically waiving his helmet from the top step of the dugout. Yankee fans throwing $18 glasses of red wine at him. Mike Lupica crying next Sunday on The Sports Reporters, “This…type…of…behavior…is…not…acceptable.” When opportunity knocks, you have to answer.
Winning The Lottery
You don’t waste a Jonathan David Drew three hit game. End of story.
Hard To Watch
Anyone see the double play Lowell grounded into in the 7th inning on Saturday? Good god. Jeter stepped on second—had to do his signature jump-throw because of a sliding Youkilis—realized in mid air that grandma Lowell’s hip was running down the line—landed (in basketball we would call this an ‘up-and-down’)—and threw to first with no momentum in time to get Lowell. It was sad. Like, watching that golden retriever try to get up the porch steps at the end of Marley and Me sad. If you see Owen Wilson hanging around the Red Sox clubhouse this week prepare yourself for the worst and remember—all dogs go to heaven.
Speaking of the AARP
Jason Varitek is not a professional baseball player. I spent 10 minutes trying to think of a way to phrase that differently and still ended with that. Here’s an idea to save his reputation: Hold a pregame ceremony, take off your jersey with the unworthy captain “C” on it, and hand it to Becket like Bourque to Esposito. I get chills just thinking about it.
Ortiz Steroid Press Conference:
I cannot stress this enough. I don’t care. Nobody cares. People pretend they care, but deep down nobody cares. Let’s stop pretending that baseball is more than a game. That’s Ken Burn’s job. Move along now. Nothing to see here.
Bronx Blowhards
Yankee fans are hypocrites for booing Ortiz. It’s like they all have AID’s and are asking people to wear condoms. Take a look in the mirror you couuffie-drinkin’ dirtbags. You invented the steroid era. The Large Father was just trying to keep up.
I Hate Baseball
Actually, I just miss football. I even busted out the old Madden 2006 today for a quarter until I realized the whole unemployed—living in your parents house—playing video games thing was kind of cliché.
-Casey
Clearing The Air With Rickey Henderson
August 10, 2009
-Casey
Chuck Hayes Free Throw Day
July 23, 2009
It’s Chuck Hayes Free Throw Day here at Masscrastination. Enjoy with a puke bucket nearby.
Job Search Update…
July 22, 2009
I know you’re out there somewhere…
July 21, 2009
And the asshole of the year award goes to….
July 19, 2009
Stewart Cink!
Pick on someone your own age, Jerk.
Shootah Bay Bee
P.S. – Moral of the story? Nike always wins. Always.
Lugo Released, World (minus NY) Rejoices
July 17, 2009
The Red Sox finally cut the 87-pound growth off their ass. Julio “Cup-Grab” Lugo has been designated for assignment. What does that mean? The Red Sox have 10 days to trade him elsewhere or they have to put him down at the Vet like Marley.
Cant say I didn’t see this coming. I smelt something fishy when they stopped playing him when he was Red Hot in that Phillies series. They must have said, “Hey, his average is over .280 now…we’re playing with house money…grab some pine.”
While July 17th will forever be remembered as “Julio Lugo Independence Day,” one person who will not be observing the holiday is Theo Epstein. There is not just egg on his face, but something bigger and grosser. Like a dinosaur egg. Seriously what a horrible signing. And for $10 Million a year! Lets count the ways we can spend $10 million better than on Julio Lugo:
1. Give it to Al Qaeda.
2. Jo-Bro’s Tickets. Front fucking center.
3. Buyout Nickelback’s contract and catalog from Atlantic Records and destroy all evidence.
4. Bribe Webster Dictionary to include “Dramasticly” and “Inspectigate” in their next edition. (It’s ridiculous that those are not recognized words).
5. Wear new pairs of socks everyday forever.
To sum up the Julio Lugo era to an outsider, i’ll say this to you:
I hope you have sons. Beautiful, handsome boys. Articulate, educated, and athletic. And I hope they have their legs taken from them, so you can know what this pain is like.
Keep on bobblin' on
-Casey
